Why I've Returned to Blogging
As some of you may know (or maybe you don't? Either way, s'all good) I used to blog. I started fashion blogging in 2013 and for the most part, I really enjoyed it. I loved putting looks together, I loved being able to meet new people and create content. It was fun and I put a lot of work into it, finding photographers to work with which in turn helped me contribute to my modelling portfolio.
However, looking back on my posts, nearly every post was basically trying to say 'I'm having an absolutely terrible time but look at this skirt!!! so cute!!!! damn i'm sad!!!!!'. It wasn't quite right for me and to be honest, I was really struggling. I was in a job I hated, I had just graduated and felt directionless, and I had just a shred of self esteem. I'd been struggling for a long time, but because I felt I had to keep up a chirpy facade, I never really talked about it, just sorta hinted at it with melancholy fashion posts. I felt like I wanted to say more, but had to fit within a box that I just didn't fit into. I ended up stopping in 2015 because after a series of events that happened in my life I couldn't keep up with even attempting to keep up a facade anymore. I also distinctly remember saying to a friend 'I just feel like I have nothing of worth to say, and no one cares'. I think this just goes to show what a low point I was at.
Since 2015 I have gone through a period of growth, which I can only acknowledge now I have hindsight. I discovered body positivity, and realised that this was a cause I felt so passionately about and knew I had to spread awareness and campaign for it where ever possible, which I started to do on my Twitter and Instagram feeds. As a result I've had the privilege of doing talks and being on a panel to talk about my activism for the cause. I was speaking out more about feminism and social justice, again two causes that I feel so strongly about and I seek to teach people about these on my socials. I went through therapy and it helped undo so much damage, and helped me unlearn so much poison I had learnt about myself; I came out stronger. After years of feeling like I was worthless and had nothing of worth to say, I developed my passions and my voice.
It's also with time that I realised and saw that blogs can be open, vulnerable and honest, as well as fun and frivolous. I thought it could only be either or, and that didn't work for me at all. Now I see that I can represent all parts of me on a blog, and don't have to hide myself.
To be honest, I think I needed this time to find myself and become more assured in myself before I could start blogging again. It took me a long time to realise that my voice is valid, because my self esteem was so, so low. Of course I still have down days, I still struggle with depressive periods and sometimes that 'you're not good enough' voice does crawl back. But now I have the power and self assurance to say to that voice 'wow, you're an asshole, shut up and let me do my thing'. So to anyone out there who is currently doubting themselves or feels like they're not enough, YOU ARE. You're voice is valid. You are enough. Keep doing what you're doing and tell that self doubting voice to shove it. That's what I'm doing, and if I can do it, so can you.